It takes time

I remember my grandmother, who I called Nana, saying it takes time.  It takes time to accomplish all manors of things, and it takes time to get over things as well.

I first realized how long it takes to get over things, while I was going through my divorce.  I got my divorce because I felt like it would be better for my children.  It was like having a death in the family maybe even worse.  I still loved my husband.  I  felt like I just could not manage the situation any longer. Lack of communication was more than likely a very big problem.  Anyway after the divorce it took months if not a whole year of shedding layers of influence, until I found myself, and became who I really was.

Now under completely different circumstances I am experiencing this once more.  I had been taking care of my Mother after my Father's death for almost 10 years.  First staying with her for a while directly after his death trying to pull her out of her depression.  It was during this period that I realized the she had some memory problems.  We talked to other people and some said that this happens sometime when you are grieving.  Years before I had noticed some irregular memories so I was aware that she might have a bigger problem.  Lewis had moved in to help care for my Dad after his surgery for thyroid cancer.  He found Mother was not cooking well.  He felt that they needed help.

We had planned to sell their home but wanted to wait a while, but a relator friend brought us a offer we could not turn down.  I had just settled into a town house in Kilmarnock and we needed to find a place for Mother and Lewis to live.  We bought a home in Irvington, Virginia  Lewis lived there with Mother watching out for her.  I  stayed concerned.

After she broke her knee about 5 years ago she came to live with me.  It became apparent that she needed constant care due to some sort of dementia.  My life changed quickly.  For a while I was able to have fun with Mother and we did a lot of things together.

For the past year 2013 til late February 2014, Mother needed more and more constant care.  We found a respite care at an assisted living  community near by my home.  I have been relieved of the constant care that I was giving her.  Now I am beginning to feel somewhat like my old self.  I had not realized how very tired and drained I felt.  I just wish that I could handle taking her out for a ride or to lunch by myself.  I can not for the very reason that I needed the assisted living.  It is impossible to push her in a wheelchair from my power chair and to help her stand when I am seated.

I am waiting for all the layers of watching, caring, and waiting upon her to fall away and for the seed of me to be revealed.  Months later and I still can not get back to settling down to paint once more.  It takes time.

Siblings

Sometimes I wonder how children brought up by the same parents can be so different from each other.  Everyone sees life from their own perspective.  No two people will experience things in the same way.  The sun set seen from different locations appears different to each viewer.  Maybe this explains why children of the same parents react differently to life.  Of course we are all born with distinct personalities.

I wonder about these things.  I was special as a child because of having had polio; however, I was treated like any other child by my parents.  As far as I knew there was never any special treatment other than being sent to a private school as a teen, because changing classes in a multi level  junior high school and high school might have been too much for me.  That is the only special attention that I remember getting.  I was not allowed to go away to College for fear of me falling in icy or snowy weather.  I was content to go to the local college.

Some how my brother younger by 3 1/2 years felt as though I had gotten special treatment.  I am sorry that he felt this way.  I never saw this.  I learned to be considerate of my parents not wanting to put a strain on their fiances.  I never remember demanding anything from them.  I was always happy with my life.

Every person is responsible for their own happiness.  Life is not easy for anyone.  Whatever cards that you are dealt in life are yours to keep.  I  have had to deal with being lame from polio ever since I was four years old.  Yes, there were times when I had wished that it had not been that way, especially as a teenager.  I would have loved to have been able to dance and to run.  I learned that it is better to make the best of what you can do rather than bemoan what you can not.  I also learned that no one likes a complainer.  So it is always best to enjoy life and make the most of what you have.