Saturday, October 26, 2013
Dealing with Dementia
When you love someone and they have dementia, life becomes increasingly complicated. Someone with dementia usually does not realize that they have a problem. They are in their own mine who they always have been. To their way of thinking they can do whatever they used to do. They can become indignant easily, and resentful of their care taker, particularly if that care taker is their own child.
I have made all kinds of mistakes in trying to take care of my mother who is currently suffering from advanced dementia. I have found that it is somewhat like watching a two or three year old child who is inquisitive but lacks judgement. If a child is doing something that you think is not good for them or harmful in some way, it is easy to say something to the child even to divert them in some way. An adult who has dementia is not so easily diverted. You can say no do not feed the dog, and minutes later she has forgotten and is feeding the dog again. She can become indignant and argue, sometimes slamming down whatever is handy and stumping off.
At dinner time, or anytime that I am trying to get something accomplished, I have to endure a innumerable request to help. I try to find small tasks for her to feel useful , but more and more she is less able to preform these task. Even after helping she still continues, making my tasks at hand ever so much more difficult.
Recently, I have noticed that I am unable to explain anything to her. When I have tried to explain, it results in making her frustrated. I have learned, I hope, to use less words.
This is so hard to become accustom to. Mother was once a vibrant person, capable, a care taker herself.
Accepting dementia in a parent is difficult especially when they were always able and ready to be there for you. My mother has a form of dementia. The blessing here is that in her mind she is who she always has been, and in the moment that is true. It probably was much harder on those of us who love her to accept that slowly we were loosing the friend and mother that we loved so much. Once I accepted that my mother had changed, i was able to appreciate her as she was. Yes I have mourn for her...often wishing that I could ask her questions that she is no longer able to answer. Recently she lost her long time best friend. I think that I realized that I had lost one more link to the past that my mother was no longer able to supply.
I now after years of denial am able to deal with my mother and her dementia daily. I no longer fret over her constant questions repeated and repeated over and over as she struggles to keep her consciousness. I have no idea how frustrated she must be. I know how frustrated I had become trying to deal with it myself. I no longer correct her when she makes up stories about places she thinks she remembers. Somewhere in her mind these places strike a memory about another place and it transfers to what see believes to be true. Besides correcting her only serves to upset her. I am able most of the time now to keep my cool, when I don't it is my fault not hers. I feel terribly about it.
There are times when she is in the moment exactly who she is sharp and completely with it. She listened recently to a customer give me a very hard time and this much younger woman told me that I was being rude to her. Mom in a moment of total clarity said, "No, you are being rude to her." Yes, thank you mom, you've always been there for me.
Instead of becoming someone who does not know you or even who she is my mother in essence is still my mother. Hopefully she will remain who she is inside even if she can not remember what I said a minute ago. I love you, Mother, very, very, much. We are blessed that you do not have Alzheimer.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
I love my computer..BUT...
I love the computer....It has finally gotten me to write down my thoughts. I love the fact that I am able to contact and visit with old friends on Face Book, people who I have lost contact with. I love cell phones, no longer worrying about family and friends on the road. I enjoy the Television and air conditioning. All these things that make life easier are wonderful, BUT.... They have changed the way we live our lives.
Years ago before we had all these advantages we lead less complicated lives. We had to go to libraries to look up information. Who knew who we would happen to run into on our trek for knowledge? Now we grab our iphone or our lap top and search on line. Easy knowledge at our finger tips...BUT no social interchange. We socialize, but not face to face. Face to face you can read the other person's reaction. My grandson has friends on line that he has never met. They play games and talk to each other. He has friends that come over occasionally. most of their play is in side and on line. As a child we walked home from school and decided to play at either your own house or that of a friend. Sometimes several friends got together to play hide and seek, or red rover, or mother may I. Sometimes we would explore the fields near by. An empty lot could become a jungle to explore, and drainage ditch a flowing stream with adventure awaiting around the corner. We used our imaginations and lived our own fantasy world. Hot summer days were spent enjoying and exploring the out doors. We played in the dirt, and made pies of mud. We climbed in the trees, looking down on things that normally we would have had to look up to see. We tired to dig to China. Mostly we hit water. Our town was below sea level. But the thrill of thinking was that we might just do it. In the evenings we would take jars with holes punched in the lid to run outside and hunt for fireflies. Other times we would lay down on the grass, smelling of the new mowed lawn, and gaze up into the heavens and marvel at all the stars in the sky. A parent would point out the Big Dipper.or Orion's Belt. They would make up stories about how the moon was made of cheese or say look up there can you see the man in the moon. And behold there shining down at you from the full moon was that very man in the moon's face.
Without air conditioning we did things to avoid the heat of the day. We had screen porches. My grandparents home had three porches a front open porch, a screened back porch where we ate our meals during the summer hot months and a screened in sleeping porch next to the bed rooms. Even though we had television when I was growing up it was very limited and they replayed the programs in the summer. To escape the heat we would go out and sit on the front porch in the evenings. This was a time to sit and talk and to visit with the neighbors. People would take walks after dinner and often stopped to pay a visit. The ice cream trucks would come by sometimes and we could buy pop cycles or ice cream cones. Neighbors were much closer to each other as they had time to visit. The children played together as long as their parents would let them stay out. When bed time came they were tired and hopefully the house had cooled down some allowing them to sleep well.
As a child there were no computers, and when I was very young no television. There were radio programs for children on Saturday mornings. Our entertainments came from reading or listening to stories. We entertained ourselves using our imaginations. We girls played with our dolls and stuffed toys. My brother played with toy soldiers or his cowboys and Indians. Small metal cars and trucks rode the lines in the oriental carpets. houses and forts were constructed among card tables and chairs sometimes covered in old sheets. Three was an old magnolia tree whose roots were raised in a way that made the walls for small rooms. Seed pods, leaves and flowers made food for our dolls.
Attics and basements were a fascination for our fertile imaginations. Who knew who or what lurched there. Boxes and trunks of old clothes, even confederate money. All fueled our imaginations.
Years ago before we had all these advantages we lead less complicated lives. We had to go to libraries to look up information. Who knew who we would happen to run into on our trek for knowledge? Now we grab our iphone or our lap top and search on line. Easy knowledge at our finger tips...BUT no social interchange. We socialize, but not face to face. Face to face you can read the other person's reaction. My grandson has friends on line that he has never met. They play games and talk to each other. He has friends that come over occasionally. most of their play is in side and on line. As a child we walked home from school and decided to play at either your own house or that of a friend. Sometimes several friends got together to play hide and seek, or red rover, or mother may I. Sometimes we would explore the fields near by. An empty lot could become a jungle to explore, and drainage ditch a flowing stream with adventure awaiting around the corner. We used our imaginations and lived our own fantasy world. Hot summer days were spent enjoying and exploring the out doors. We played in the dirt, and made pies of mud. We climbed in the trees, looking down on things that normally we would have had to look up to see. We tired to dig to China. Mostly we hit water. Our town was below sea level. But the thrill of thinking was that we might just do it. In the evenings we would take jars with holes punched in the lid to run outside and hunt for fireflies. Other times we would lay down on the grass, smelling of the new mowed lawn, and gaze up into the heavens and marvel at all the stars in the sky. A parent would point out the Big Dipper.or Orion's Belt. They would make up stories about how the moon was made of cheese or say look up there can you see the man in the moon. And behold there shining down at you from the full moon was that very man in the moon's face.
Without air conditioning we did things to avoid the heat of the day. We had screen porches. My grandparents home had three porches a front open porch, a screened back porch where we ate our meals during the summer hot months and a screened in sleeping porch next to the bed rooms. Even though we had television when I was growing up it was very limited and they replayed the programs in the summer. To escape the heat we would go out and sit on the front porch in the evenings. This was a time to sit and talk and to visit with the neighbors. People would take walks after dinner and often stopped to pay a visit. The ice cream trucks would come by sometimes and we could buy pop cycles or ice cream cones. Neighbors were much closer to each other as they had time to visit. The children played together as long as their parents would let them stay out. When bed time came they were tired and hopefully the house had cooled down some allowing them to sleep well.
As a child there were no computers, and when I was very young no television. There were radio programs for children on Saturday mornings. Our entertainments came from reading or listening to stories. We entertained ourselves using our imaginations. We girls played with our dolls and stuffed toys. My brother played with toy soldiers or his cowboys and Indians. Small metal cars and trucks rode the lines in the oriental carpets. houses and forts were constructed among card tables and chairs sometimes covered in old sheets. Three was an old magnolia tree whose roots were raised in a way that made the walls for small rooms. Seed pods, leaves and flowers made food for our dolls.
Attics and basements were a fascination for our fertile imaginations. Who knew who or what lurched there. Boxes and trunks of old clothes, even confederate money. All fueled our imaginations.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Loosing a life long friend and a Link to the past
My very good friend, adviser, and my mother's best friend died recently. This has hit me hard. Betsy Martin was almost 94 years old. We do not live forever; however, her passing has come as a shock to me. I have know Betsy ever since I can remember. She has been as much a piece of my life as any relative. She was always there to support or to lend a helping hand. On Graydon Ave. she was a link to all the ties to the past. I can vision her sitting on our front porch, visiting with my grandmother, Lillie Maude Porter, my Nana. Their heads close together chatting.
Betsy came to Norfolk as a young married from Baltimore. She needed to fit in among the families on Graydon Ave. in Norfolk. Nana was more than happy to educate her. I remember her saying, "Now, Nana, how were they related to each other ?" My grandmother would explain the ins and outs of Norfolk families. There came a time when Betsy changed roles and was advising Nana of things that were happening in the area. This was not gossip, but getting relationships straight.
When I had polio, Betsy was there helping to take care of my baby brother so mother could visit me in the hospital. Whenever help was needed she was there.
I realize that she was my security, an alternate parent, that I could depend upon for good advise.
More importantly to me is the link that we had to a common past. To Graydon Ave. in the late 1940's through the early 1960's. The link to my grandparents and the warmth of living in a small part of a larger city that was like living in a small town. I remember her pushing her son, Bruce in a stroller by our home and having Bruce cry out "meat"... He loved to have lunch with us on the back eating porch. Nana would make up a large plate with meats, cheeses, and sliced tomatoes, green peppers and onions. There were baskets with bread and crackers. Also mayonnaise and mustard.
She provided a link to evenings sitting on my grandparent's wide front porch with neighbors walking out front and visiting with each other. Without air conditioning, we would all go out on to the front porches after dinner at night to cool off and visit. This was a time for friends and family to catch up with each other. The children played out on the side walks or caught lighting bugs in jars with holes punched in the lids, as the adults visited. This of a time lost in time. A time of warmth and love and friendships.
My parents generation are slipping away faster than I care to think about. My oldest son called to tell me that My ex husband's step sister had died. Honor MacNamee, was about my mother's age. She had diabetes ever since she was in her twenties, possibly longer. We had not been close for years, and I had known that she was elderly now, but I had last know her as a vibrant middle age Mother.
Betsy came to Norfolk as a young married from Baltimore. She needed to fit in among the families on Graydon Ave. in Norfolk. Nana was more than happy to educate her. I remember her saying, "Now, Nana, how were they related to each other ?" My grandmother would explain the ins and outs of Norfolk families. There came a time when Betsy changed roles and was advising Nana of things that were happening in the area. This was not gossip, but getting relationships straight.
When I had polio, Betsy was there helping to take care of my baby brother so mother could visit me in the hospital. Whenever help was needed she was there.
I realize that she was my security, an alternate parent, that I could depend upon for good advise.
More importantly to me is the link that we had to a common past. To Graydon Ave. in the late 1940's through the early 1960's. The link to my grandparents and the warmth of living in a small part of a larger city that was like living in a small town. I remember her pushing her son, Bruce in a stroller by our home and having Bruce cry out "meat"... He loved to have lunch with us on the back eating porch. Nana would make up a large plate with meats, cheeses, and sliced tomatoes, green peppers and onions. There were baskets with bread and crackers. Also mayonnaise and mustard.
She provided a link to evenings sitting on my grandparent's wide front porch with neighbors walking out front and visiting with each other. Without air conditioning, we would all go out on to the front porches after dinner at night to cool off and visit. This was a time for friends and family to catch up with each other. The children played out on the side walks or caught lighting bugs in jars with holes punched in the lids, as the adults visited. This of a time lost in time. A time of warmth and love and friendships.
My parents generation are slipping away faster than I care to think about. My oldest son called to tell me that My ex husband's step sister had died. Honor MacNamee, was about my mother's age. She had diabetes ever since she was in her twenties, possibly longer. We had not been close for years, and I had known that she was elderly now, but I had last know her as a vibrant middle age Mother.
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