I have been privileged to be the care giver to my mother who will turn 92 in February 2013. She came to stay with me after she had taken a fall and had messed up her knee cap. After her hospital stay and a month in rehab, we decided that she needed more care and she came to live with me. Lewis, my youngest son, came to help me out as well.
After my father died, we noticed that mom's memory was diminishing and she seemed confused about some things. At first we thought that it was the shock of loosing my father. But then I remembered that one day dad shook his head and said, "your mother is crazy." I thought that he was referring to some idea or other that she had gotten into her head. Mom was sometimes a little ditsy.
Her memory had started to deteriorate. It seem to have gotten worse while she was in the hospital. They said that the drugs did not help. She never did remember how she messed up her knee, in fact she told the nurses in the emergency room that she was dancing on a table top. After the operation to repair her knee cap she tried to get out of bed and walk to the bath room. My daughter in law, Melissa spent the night to make sure she behaved. This must have been happening over a long period of time. I could look back and pick up on some instances, when I thought that she had made some comments that just did not seem logical at the time. I also remember worrying about her possibly having some memory problems since the mid 1990's. She refused to or could not remember her new phone number. All in all she was amazing at covering up.
She has dementia. I can admit that now and learning to deal with it is truly a challenge. First of all when someone has dementia, they are in denial. Everyone has a problem with exception of them. If I get frustrated and loose my patience, my mom will say,"What is the matter with you today."
There is a learning curve when dealing with people who have dementia. I think that I have a handle on it and then I mess up. The other night she needed to wash after an accident. She flatly refused to wash herself or let me help her. She stood us down for a good 45 minutes, finally we gave up. She even got belligerent. Looking back I realize that we did not handled the situation in the proper manner; however, we were worried about her health and welfare.
It is amazing how well she handles social surroundings. We take mother to work daily with us. She loves the children and the dogs that come into the shop. We have several customers who love to stop by to visit, many come to see mom. She has become a surrogate mother to a lot of my friends who have lost their parents. Usually people will understand that she has memory problems, but they love her anyway.
Some how it is those that love her the most, that take the mental beating. She resents me trying to take care of her wanting to help me continually. She is no longer able to do a lot of things, or to help without instructions. She is not able to follow directions, unless they are very simple. She is not able to understand reasoning or be reasonable.
Mother was always there for me if I needed her. Often times I did need her. Having had polio from the shoulders down I needed more help than the average person. However, I have always been a fiercely independent person preferring to keep trying to do things on my own. The fact that I have needed her in the past makes her want to help me even more. Since I have been in my power chair, there are a lot of things that I can do for my self, that in the past I would have had to have asked for help. I can now carry things. In the past I had to think out exactly how I was going to approach a task, planning out how I was going to do something simple like carrying something from one room to another. Now I just pick things up and move them. I can take my son a cup of coffee without spilling it all over. Mother does not understand that this is something that I could not do in the past and now I can. Some of these simple things actually make me feel good, giving me the pleasure of doing something that I had not been able to do in the past.
She resents not being able to help me. Years ago I had surgery for scoliosis. It took a long time to recuperate from that surgery. Mother was in her sixties then. She would make way too big a deal out of helping me. I tried to explain to her that it was drawing undo attention to me. She failed to understand. I'm not sure if she did not understand or if this was infringing on her ego. Early signs of dementia or ego? Is the resentment linked to the fact that she was so used to being there for me in the past? I do know now, that I have to tread very carefully not to make her mad. Little things can set her off. She will stamp off to her room. This results from a lack of reasoning.
My patience is not as good as it should be, especially if I'm tired. Above all I must remember that my mother at the moment is who she has always been, and in her mind there is nothing wrong with her. I love her for who she is and who she has been. I have to try to let her keep her dignity. I do this because I love her.
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